Accept the changes! Heading out of lockdown and into Summer

Made by Third Party Family Therapy

Summer has arrived, and unsurprisingly, many of us don’t know what to do with it! Instead of looking forward to our usual Summer holiday activities like reconnecting with friends and family in different parts of the world, or traveling to a Summer holiday home, we’re faced with travel restrictions, quarantine, diminished finances, employment uncertainty, and in some cases, illness or loss in the family. Rather than looking forward to our favourite Summertime foods, smells, colours and holiday associations, we’re faced with uncertainty and limitations. As families and parents, this is our time for a change of scenery, and a recharging of energy.

Children

 

 We’ve spent so much time with our children already! Lockdown has been a great big mix of challenges, fun, togetherness, frustration, love, and a whole lot more. The home-schooling reality has meant that many parents have become teachers too. Not specialist teachers, able to focus on one key skill, but art and science teachers too! In one week, *Lisa, a mum from the UK told me how she managed to build a paper mâché elephant with her five- year-old, whilst simultaneously educating her seven-year-old on the inner workings of space. Many of us have spent hours researching long forgotten school subjects, so that we can teach them to our kids. Agnesa, a mother of 3 was so excited when she finally solved her ten-year-old son’s maths problem at 11 pm that she was tempted to wake him up to share it! A Dubai-based family of 5 resorted to signing their family up for a charity challenge. This goal was a great excuse to convince their children to get up and running every day. We’ve all felt the parental guilt associated with our kids’ extended hours of iPad use. Carlos, from Spain told how his 13-year-old son had been entrusted with the use of his iPad for homework purposes. It was only when he and his wife received an email from school detailing absent work that they realised they needed to take action. With both parents working from home, full time parental supervision can be tough to manage.

Couples

 

Dedicated couple time has been an elusive concept in family life for the past few months. Multitasking as partners, parents, lovers, and individuals has required some high-level juggling skills. For working parents coping with extended work hours, home schooling and having to be constantly available to employers as well as children, it’s been challenging to satisfy all the requirements. Finding time for date nights whilst also needing to help children understand, process and react to this strange period, has been balanced with trying to find our own space to be alone and to breathe!

Family changes

In some families the dynamic has changed. From partners who previously travelled for work and are now permanently at home, to family members who were geographically separated at the time of lockdown and have been forced to continue living apart for the past months, the structure and fabric of some families has fundamentally altered. In some instances, a parent who worked full time has been furloughed or made redundant and is now permanently at home, or parents have switched roles and the previously employed parent is now at home whilst the other parent is at work. All these scenarios have their obvious advantages and disadvantages, and any changes within a family can be difficult to adjust to. Changes to family roles and structure may cause conflict, if we don’t accept them.

Bear in mind:

• It takes time to adjust to change.
• Use humour instead of frustration when communicating.
• Remember your values as a family. Focus on them.
• It’s all about getting everyone in the family onboard to accept the changes.
• If someone behaves outside of their usual behaviour within the family system, discuss it as parents.
• If it’s not working, acknowledge it out loud.
• Remember, you are the adults, so it’s up to you, not your children to make the necessary changes.
• It’s not a fight. You are a TEAM.

This summer will be different to the one we planned because there have been changes in the world around us, and within our families. Remember that unplanned changes sometimes bring us unexpected benefits. Accept the past and focus on the future.

*Please note all names have been changed to protect privacy.

Co-written by Nicola Jane Gregory and Jo Green