Feeling guilty about guilt

Made by Third Culture Family Therapy

“I know I shouldn’t feel guilty, but…”

Why is this feeling so common? Well, for one thing guilt is a conditioned emotion, that can be understood as a learned emotional reaction.

Many factors have an impact on how and why we feel guilty. These include culture, family, religion, politics, social, and the values of the country we live in. Understanding the rules, norms, and values of our society is very important, and when we understand the framework, we can better understand our feelings of guilt.

Guilt is an indicator of social or self-expectation, such as: “I might have done something wrong”, or “I have done something I will regret”. That being said, one positive aspect of guilt is that we are able to learn from and act upon it in future situations. Because guilt is the conditioned response that encompasses expectations set by external social factors, there is no reason to dwell on it. Instead, guilt can be used to aid our personal development, or challenge norms and expectations that we realise are unfair.

Guilt has many faces, which show up in many different ways. One surprising face, perhaps, can be the feeling of joy. Many people feel guilty at the smallest sign of joy, telling themselves “I should not…”

For example, you might think, “I will eat this piece of chocolate with no regrets”, then say to yourself later on, “that was a mistake, now I’ve got to run an extra mile to burn it off”. Guilt has taken the joy from your earlier decision, and now it feels like something you have to atone for.

Clearly, in this case the better option is to either fully embrace the joy in eating that chocolate, or not eat it, and embrace the pleasure derived from self-control.

Another face can appear when you choose to prioritise yourself and your wellbeing, and guilt kicks in to remind you of all the more ‘worthy’ things you could be doing. Let’s think about choosing to go for a run. You know that running gives you energy, boosts your mood throughout the day, and helps you get more done.

However, as you tie the laces on your running shoes, you think about the cleaning, the work, and everything else you have to do, and you feel guilty about cutting a slice of time for yourself. So, to appease the guilt you do all these tasks first, but you end up not having time for your run. The moral of this story is that it’s OK to put yourself first sometimes.

Another face you might recognise is that of imposed guilt by others. It could be a parent from your children’s school saying, “do you think it’s a good idea, giving your child juice every day?” or one of your own parents saying, “sweetheart, why do you never call me?”

But you don’t have to internalise the imposed guilt and doubt. You don’t have to enter a dialogue about your choices, to justify or explain them. What you can do instead is just smile and listen, knowing that you’re making good decisions.

Try accepting those times when guilt shows you a face. Use it to acknowledge your mistakes, and use the knowledge you gain to positively impact your life moving forward.

Remember that it’s OK to make a decision and then regret it. Doing it differently next time means you are using guilt in a positive way, rather than letting it dwell upon and use you.

It can also be useful to talk with friends about how guilt makes you feel. You could find that they share some of the same feelings of guilt, or they feel guilty about completely different things that you can help to reassure them over.

In the end, we all feel guilty about guilt. What matters is what you choose to do with it.

Written by Nicola Jane Gregory