When will it be about ME?

Made by Third Culture Family Therapy

“I don’t love you anymore!”
“I’ve found someone else!”
I’m not happy with our marriage anymore!”
“We need to talk!”
“I want a DIVORCE!”

If any of these phrases seem familiar, you can perhaps feel reassured that they are spoken a lot.

And after all, you are two full-grown adults. You can cope. You get to decide what happens next, and besides, it isn’t always a bad thing to get a divorce. Yes, your marriage can indeed end in an amicable – even a friendly – way.

Of course, your divorce can also be ugly and sad. At the end of the day, it’s up to you!

It’s important to remember, however, that the ending of your marriage is not up to your children. Depending on their age, they may still be in a learning phase of life. But even if your children happen to be adults, your divorce is still not up to them.

Your divorce is your divorce, not your children’s.

That isn’t to say your children don’t know about your divorce, or that they don’t understand what happened. They may have been aware for longer than you know, because yes, children really do see and hear more than you may think.

This means:

If yours is a divorce that has been going on for a long time, perhaps because one of you was cheating on the other, then the odds are that your child knows.

If yours is a divorce in which you do not talk to one-another anymore, your child probably knows why.

Suppose yours is a divorce in which there is, or has been, physical or psychological abuse. Sorry to sound like a broken record here – but yes, your child knows.

No matter what has happened, or how much you try to hide the individual mechanics of your divorce, your child knows.

While they may not understand all of the finer details, no matter how old they are they will have developed a mind of their own. They will use this to help them make sense of what is going on, and to tell stories about what they must now do in order to cope.

So, if you are hiding information or dragging things out, all the while refusing all offers of help, then you may be unaware of how much of your children’s precious time you are taking away, or how much anxiety you are causing them.

It is unlikely, after all, that they will come to you and say directly: “Hey, please stop! You are making my school life hard to bear, because I’m sad and I can’t concentrate anymore.”

Now: let’s look to the future for a moment. Pretend you have gone through the divorce and that you are now living your own, free, life. If this is ultimately what you want, don’t delay. Get things moving now, for the benefit of everybody concerned.

I recently had a session with a very sweet child of 12 years old, so she is slowly making her way into life as a teenager. Her hormones are making a significant impact on her thoughts and behaviour, of course (I’m sure we can all remember what it was like to be an awkward teenager).

This child’s parents had been divorced since she was four years old, and she can’t remember them living together. During our session, she asked me: “Why is it still all about them? When do I get to be the important one?”

She continued: “When I’m at my Dad’s, he always asks me about places I’ve been with my Mum, before I’ve even had the chance to tell him about them.

I know he is tracking me, and that’s OK. It’s for my safety. But why can’t I be the one who just tells him about my time with Mum, or say some of the funny things I’ve experienced, when I want to? Then I’m at my Mum’s. She doesn’t track me, but she says things like, ‘don’t tell your Dad about this, OK?’ ‘I will buy you this, but don’t let your Dad know, OK?’

Then they both say: ‘You are home now, so you can relax’. Yes, I have two homes, and both are mine, so why do they think it’s hard for me to be in the other place? I don’t get it.

I know they will never be friends, because of what has happened in the past. Or I think I know. But… didn’t they get a divorce to not to be together? They aren’t together now, so why is everything still about them and not me?”

Children have their own way of living in the now, armed with their unique experience of life. It’s important to remember that a child’s experience is very different from an adult’s.

In short: your child is on their own journey, not yours. And I think this sweet child summed it up, excellently and reasonably.

“When will it be about ME?”

picture is credit to Zika Radosavljevic